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August 20 2012

*stops at red light* *leans out car window* couldnt help but notice that your motorcycle is loud as hell and making lots of big scary noises
boring_as_heck

August 19 2012

@extranapkins good interview strategy. I wore one of those big sumo suits and just smashed everything in the office. im CEO now.
boring_as_heck

August 18 2012

Sext: *removes the top part of my skull* Rub on my spongy brain tissue like Your petting a cat
leh0n
haha bartender cant see me over the crowd--not until I tap my tribal giraffe tat that is...who's "neckst" you ask? I am
crushingbort
Quick flip formula is the
Horse_ebooks
LEt's just say the last guy who kinkshamed me is six feet deep right now... buried right below the last guy who murdershamed me
extranapkins

August 16 2012

Just got a gallon of water dumped on me at applebees.. With no apology. This place is unreal
Get_Meaty
Applebees is out of silverware #wtf
jonesy_35

August 15 2012

The 7 yr old I babysit just waved down the waitress and said "excuse me, could you let the chef know that my chicken fingers are very good!"
Ali_B0_Bali
@mattytalks the only difference between irony and sincerity is that one is a pretense with ulterior motives and the other one is irony.
brendlewhat
MY STANDARDS KEEP GETTING HIGHER FOR NO REASON WHY DOES THIS TINY SCREEN NOT HAVE SHARPER DEFINITION THAN REALITY
Mobute
Make your co-workers nervous by leaving a copy of WORKPLACE SHOOTINGS magazine lying on your desk.
MKupperman
people express wonderment at my ability to write weird creative tweets but i feel the same way about their ability to function in society
medical_sword

August 14 2012

Due to a casting call mix-up, Maya Rudolph and Rashida Jones have been acting in each others projects for the past 5 yrs and nobody cares
woodmuffin
I love it when presidential candidates have photo ops in front of cornfields, they look so lost and alien
lowtax
@Bro_Pair WE MET ON THE INTERNET AND SHE PLAYS VIDEO GAMES AND ENJOYS BACON JUST LIKE ME. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??!
casualmalexlfan

August 13 2012

I sure hope student loans appreciates my little handwritten notes explaining why I am so poor
ryanpequin
100,000 years from now they will remember the 90s, and gak and pogs and shit. Fuck haters. Fuck god. Death is certain. Batman Tim burton
leh0n

August 12 2012

hey you want a real life tamagotchi that you will go to jail for if it dies *throws a baby at your feet* bye, idiot
barfcaptain
I think i have that curse from Beauty and the Beast where I didnt find true love by age 21 and now i'm hairy and live with dancing furniture
woodmuffin
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